脱口秀主持Ellen的遥笑演讲document.
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="hight"> (来源：www.
2hzz.
com) Ellen毫无疑问是美国现今一线的脱口秀主持人。
以自己名字命名的节目Ellen Show收视率居高不下，她还遥主持过第38和39届格莱美、第46届艾美等颁奖礼。
她在杜兰大学的演讲延续了自己的幽默风格，在笑声中也回顾了自己的成长，并给毕业学生们以诚恳的建议，听来受益匪浅。
Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs.
President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher.
And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can't graduate 'til I finish, so listen up.


When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes.
Then I went to look up what commencement meant.
Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia's, and they're all written in Australian.
So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.


Commencement: common, and cement.
Commoncement.
You commonly see cement on sidewalks.
Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back.
So there's that.
But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement.


I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school.
And I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows, I didn't go to any college at all.
Any college.
And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, Im a huge celebrity.


Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers.
I spent a lot of time here growing up.
My mom worked at (?
估计是某家商店的名字) and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.
But why am I here today?
Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it.


I'm here because of you.
Because I can't think of a moretenacious, more courageous graduating class.
I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes.
Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up.
I'm here because I love New Orleans.
I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times.
When I finished school, I was completely lost.
And by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.
And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea.
And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea.
Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men.
So what I'm saying is, when you're older, most of you will be gay.
Anyone writing this stuff down?
Parents?


Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event.
I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.
And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her.
And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.
And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here?
I don't understand, there must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, and ask these questions.